Alone

We’re all hoping to find a place in the sun, aren’t we? Just a spot that belongs to us, a small corner somewhere, hopefully warm, hopefully safe, hopefully not too far from the things and people we love. But in the end, we’re all essentially alone, aren’t we?

There are days in which you wake up, and you expect things to be hard. But there are also days in which hardships come from places or people that you never expected. Things that come announced are easy, you have time to plan and prepare for them. There are not real hardships, these are just… tasks, I guess? But when things come unannounced, that’s when it becomes interesting.

One of the things I’m supposed to be doing at work is conflict resolution. Solve quarrels between people who disagree on something. Calm the spirits when they get too excited. Try and bring peace when they are preparing for war. Can I do it? You know the answer — not even by a long shot!

I think one of the most difficult things to deal with, when it comes to people, are emotions. Logic is simple, if there is a fallacy somewhere, people are able to see it, usually. If they are not, some persuading with hard arguments or facts will do the trick. Sentiments, however… sentiments are a totally different story.

I’ve always been bad at telling people my thoughts about them. Well, the negative ones, at least. I have absolutely no problem telling people their strong points, drawing attention to their achievements, or telling them how much I appreciate and love them. But when it comes to criticizing them, I am almost never able to bring myself to do it. Even when I actively seek a way to do it, I fail miserably every time. Telling someone that there is a problem is never easy, but for me, most of the time is virtually impossible.

And therein lies the problem. Lack of action is an action in itself, isn’t it? Failing to convey clearly the fact that there is a problem only deepens the problem. Avoiding to hurt the feelings of someone now will only lead to their feelings being hurt much more severely in the future. How many times have I seen this pattern? How many times has it happened so far? Way more than I’d like to admit.

So, how to help someone who is so deeply hurt and disappointed that they feel completely alone and isolated? How to reach out to someone who feels that there is no way to reconnect anymore? How to convince them that what they see is not the only version of reality?

I have no idea.

But it causes such a strong feeling, when you see a fellow person, a colleague, having such strong emotions. It hits like a rock in many sensitive spots, in ways that could not have been perceived. The bitterness, the disappointment, the resentment even, perhaps… everything at the same time, pouring down from this otherwise gentle and kind person. What happened? How did they get so hurt? Why are they so alone?

Life brings into our lives other people for a purpose. Either for a lesson or for memory, as someone very insightful told me yesterday. With certain people, we share experiences, feelings, points of view, and we develop a bond. You know, when you go through the same shit as someone else, you feel like you can understand each other without many words, you just know. So, when they go through a rough patch, naturally, you put yourself in their place. Then the wondering begins: what will this feeling cause? Where will it lead them? What will happen after that? How will they manage everything?

But these are actually questions that are in the first person: how would I manage the same situation in their place?

And it hurts. It hurts so much.

This feeling of being betrayed, disappointed, angry, perhaps even scared… all these negative feelings are only bringing more negative feelings. But there is a finite capacity for negative feelings inside a person. So what happens when we exceed this capacity? I am afraid to think about it. Usually, bad things. Things that should never happen. Things that I would wish upon no one.

So I worry. Of course, I worry. How could I not?

We are all essentially alone in this world. We come alone, we spend some time with other people, we share our lives, our bodies, our souls with each other, we make memories, we leave a trace, and then we disappear. Alone. Even if we are surrounded by people, we are alone. In the packed trains of Tokyo, alone. In the seclusion of our homes, alone. In the arms of a lover, alone. We like to believe that we are not, but we are. Alone.

Or are we?

Are we alone when we share a moment with someone? Are we alone when a friend calls to check if we are OK, or just because they missed us? Are we alone when our lover kisses our lips and makes our hearts flutter? Are we alone when we die surrounded by all the people in our lives? Is “alone” a fact, or a sentiment?

Again, I have no clue.

The only thing I know is that loneliness is scary. It takes a lot of courage to accept just how lonely we can get in life. It takes a lot of strength to stand on our feet alone. So, every time that I realize someone is alone, it hurts. It’s scary, and it’s frustrating, and it’s the worst feeling in the world. Why? Because we’re all kids in this world, pretending to be adults, pretending to have an idea of what we’re doing.

We’re all children, scared out of our minds, doing our best to live a full life, putting on a brave face every morning and looking forward to these rare moments when we can get the mask off and just be scared. We’re all just looking for someone to make it less scary, to make it a little more bearable, to give us a finger when we need a hand.

So I worry. I don’t want my colleague to feel alone.

Because I don’t want to feel alone, either.