Resilience

Resilience. Such a nice word. Easier said than done, right?

How does one learn to be resilient? How do you become able to bounce right back on your feet after a hard slap in the face? It’s the old “when life gives you lemons, just make lemonade”, right? I guess that’s a way of thinking about it.

Life is made up of choices. Life itself is a choice. Many people choose to get out of it. No, I am not going to talk about suicide, before you start wondering. I’ve always believed that life is what you make it. Even if you have no control over how life evolves and what is happening around you, you always have control over how you perceive the things happening, and you always have control over your actions and reactions.

So I am at a crossroads. That’s the famous time of crisis. Something changes radically, and nothing is as it used to be. Sure, I’ve gotten myself in a mess before, I shouldn’t be too surprised. But, you know, being on the other side of the world, far from family and friends, lost in the middle of a country that doesn’t speak your language, it all has a certain impact on everything. I would even dare to go as far as saying that it is a tiny bit scary.

I guess that’s how you become resilient. There’s no time to be anything else. Thinking too much about anything is only getting you sleepless nights and endless headaches. Perhaps the secret to resilience is not to think, but to do. To focus on anything but the self. You know, taking care of yourself, but without actually thinking about it. Because, you know, if you think too much about it, the old and all-too-familiar monster needs just a tiny nudge to wake up and take over again. And I cannot allow myself to fall back into anxiety and panic here and now.

So that’s resilience, I guess! Get out of your own head, think about something else once in a while, acknowledge that nothing is easy, and just deal with it. It can’t be too hard to manage, right?

Right.

The difficult part is not being resilient, in fact. Sometimes, we don’t have a choice, we just must be so. There is no one else, you just need to pull yourself up by the hair to get out of whatever pit you’re in. We’re all struggling with our own demons, it’s no one’s fault. Each one of us is responsible for themselves.

The difficult part is being resilient after trusting someone more than you’ve ever thought possible. You know, choosing to let someone in, showing them things you never thought anyone would see. Essentially, believing in someone and trusting them, giving them everything, putting your dream before anything else, trying your hardest to become your best self for them… just to realize it was never enough.

No, it is no one’s fault. We are all responsible for ourselves. And me, I am the worst kind of person. I have been both at the giving and at the receiving end of that deal. I’ve both damaged someone who trusted in me with everything they had and got damaged by someone in whom I trusted with everything I had. I now realize how much resilience it takes.

Life goes on, no matter how we feel about it. We are defined by the choices we make. I’ve made my choices and I stand behind them. Sounds stubborn, right? Perhaps, a little bit. But there is simply no way to regret life. There is no way to regret all the good moments, all the beautiful feelings, all the magic that came before the moment when I need to be resilient. There is no way to feel bad about all the good things that happened. There is no way to regret love.

The only thing we can hope to fully control, are our actions and reactions in life.

I deeply regret forcing someone who trusted me so much to become so resilient so suddenly.

In my turn to be resilient, I do not regret trusting another person so much. I only regret putting too much pressure on them, hoping and expecting too much. I regret not being stronger, and not realizing earlier that I was draining them of all their strength. I regret that, in a way, I have pushed them into resilience as well.

The only thing I can say is that I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone.  I’ve only ever wanted to be happy and, if possible, make other people happy as well. I hope you are resilient. I hope you will get through this. I hope life will treat you kindly. I hope you will be happy.

So, it’s time to be resilient.